Self loathing
by TenebrisScriptoris
Summary: Others know Peridot as a confident and smart gem, but who says she feels that way about herself?


"Stupid Crystal clods" Peridot mumbled, hopping over the mess that was her equipment, holding a hammer in her hand. After she had left with only one foot the gems had destroyed all of her thing's. "Maybe they wouldn't have broken every thing if I wasn't dumb enough to leave it there, maybe I should of just let them capture me, even let them kill me...I deserve it..." She mumbled even lower. Every one who knew her thought of her as confident, silly, smart etc. Every one thought that except her, she hid behind a curtain of a fake personality. Peridot LOATHED herself to no end, she needed help, she needed it badly and she knew it but she didn't want to get it. Who would want to help a burden like her? She didn't deserve help, she didn't deserve kindness, she didn't deserve an escort like Jasper or an informant like lapis.

Honestly though, she was actually kind of scared of Jasper, she seemed like the type to effortlessly crush you if you made her mad.

She hated her job as well, she never really had a choice whether to go to earth or not, YD just chose her for the mission, she refused of course, wanting nothing to do with the earth, but she was forced to, YD was the exact reason Peridot had those arms and legs, threatening her if she ever tried leaving making it seem like she would become a full robot if she kept disobeying her orders.

It was awful.

she felt horrible every day, thinking the only thing she deserved was death, always considering suicide. She wanted to give herself to the gems, really she did, but she was scared to.. a peridot is a gem of compassion and she couldn't even show it to herself, much less anything else. She was taught not to show any emotion, make it look like she would kill you and simply shrug it off. Yet she did show emotion, a lot, but not the good ones, at least not on the inside. The only compassionate or even nice thing she ever thought of doing was giving up herself to the gems, everyone would win, they wouldn t have to deal with the stress of trying no capture her, YD would pick another home world gem for this job, it would be perfect, but she was scared, very scared and that made her feel selfish, so very selfish, and that made her despise herself even more.

She was a burden. Plain and simple. She was going to remove that burden.

Even though she was broken on the inside, she never let it show, she heard a crash behind her "PERIDOT"She was broken out of her depressing thoughts and turned around,dropping the hammer, not so surprised knowing that they found out how to track her. She thought about maybe just maybe letting them capture her for a second, but she didn't want to look like a quitter, even though she would feel fairly disappointed in herself, not that she wasn't already.

"Stop wasting my time you clods!" she yelled holding out her arm in the gun position, she shot at them but Steven was quick to pull out his shield. Pearl ran towards her, her weapon out, ready to finish her if she had to, though she still expected Peridot to try and dodge, she still tried.

as she expected, Peridot dodged her, a smile on her face, care full not to show her state, but this time was different, she wasn t hiding it well like she normally did. "Peridot? What's wrong?" Steven asked, genuine concern in his voice. She never knew why the Steven was usually so nice to her, she always tried to kill it maybe it was because it was young?"Why should I tell you!? If anything, I'm just really annoyed by you clods!" "But...you look so sad?" Peridot could barely hold it in any more, she knew it knew, her misery was showing all over her face, she snap'd "WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS BEING NICE TO ME, I'M NOT GOING TO BURRY YOU WITH MY PROBLEMS! WHY CAN'T YOU CLODS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME KILL MYSELF!?" She immediately realized and regretted what she just said, "oh...no" she said weakly, her voice, barely above a whisper. Her hands covered her mouth as tears started to form in her eyes, her plan had been revealed, she was going to attempt suicide, she was going to try and smash her gem with the hammer. She dropped to her knees, hands covering her face as she started to sob, months of pent up anger and misery, finally coming out in the form of tears. She tried her best to make it look like she wasn't crying, being as quiet as possible and covering her face, but try as she might, the others knew she was crying, they knew her plans, they knew she was trying to hide something, but all they could do was stare at her in disbelief, trying to process what they heard and what they saw..except Garnet.

"Steven, Pearl, Amethyst. Go outside for now, I'll call you if I need you" "but garn-" pearl was interrupted "go now, please" pearl, followed by amethyst had left the ship, Steven lagged behind for a little while, Casting a concerned glance at peridot then at garnet and then walked away. Garnet walked straight up to a still sobbing Peridot. One half of her wanted to take advantage of this and finally capture her, but the other half was curious and slightly concerned, years with Steven did that to her. She stopped right in front of Peridot.

Peridot didn't have to look up to know that Garnet was standing there looking down at her, she sniffed "what are you waiting for? Aren't you gonna imprison me? Kill me? Bubble me forever?" Her voice sounded dead, they already knew her condition, so there was no point in hiding it "you idiot"Garnet said while looking down at her "did you really think I didn't know about this?"

Every time she saw Peridot, she sensed that there was something wrong, but she never brought it up, she sat down next to her and put her hand on her shoulder "w-what are you doing?" Peridot asked.

Garnet felt sympathy for her, she figured Steven was rubbing of on her, Peridot was weak and only had one foot so she would easily take her down if she ever tried something. "Do y-you really think I enjoy working for h-her?" Peridot asked "huh?" "I n-never ch-chose this..." The tears started to lessen now, but they where still there, she decided to finally remove her face from her hands, letting Garnet see her tear stained face. "If you keep the tears up you're probably gonna damage you're arms and legs!" Garnet joked "... Don't joke about that..." Peridot said in a flat tone "oh?" She couldn't do it anymore, she had to say what was bothering her..even though Garnet was the enemy, she was afraid to trust her but she didn't have anyone else to talk to. Peridot had told her everything, what she felt about herself, why her arms and legs where Like that of a robots, felt good, telling her the things that bothered her. It felt even better seeing that she was listening. It made her feel a little better, now she didn't have to bottle up everything. She didn't know why Garnet decided to listen, but she didn't care, she was happy, maybe she would finally move past this? Maybe she could fight against YD instead of for her? Maybe, things would be fine. -END-


End file.
